You’ve tried everything to get your parents to plan for aging, but they still won’t do it.
You want them to finish their estate plan, give you a copy of their durable power of attorney, discuss end of life wishes, tell you what kind of funeral services they want, and ask where all the important things are located, but no progress happens.
You are waiting for a crisis. You don’t want it to happen and are stressed thinking about it, but you recognize it’s an opportunity to get something done. You start to strategize about what you can do.
Where should you start in a crisis?
How can you use a crisis to help your parents document their wishes?
Let’s talk about what you can do in advance of a crisis happening and what you can do when you are in it.
Have a Family Conversation Before the Crisis
First, if you can, have a family conversation before the crisis. Even if there is one person who is normally “in charge”, you most likely want to have a conversation with the important decision makers. Sometimes that is all of your siblings, other times it is a sibling and other family member.
Get those people in a room before the crisis because once a crisis happens, that room is going to be emotionally charged. It’s tough to calmly and rationally discuss your parents and next steps to take in a crisis.
If you can map out what is important, who is taking on which role, and come to some understanding, that’s going to make the next conversation much simpler.
Although there are some tasks that can only be done in person, many can be done remotely. For example, if someone needs to research assisted living places, you could narrow down a list from 15 to 3 remotely and then have the person who lives closer tour them.
Regular family conversation is critical to make sure everybody is on the same page and to bring feelings up to the surface before they bubble over. If you aren’t sure how to hold a family conversation, read tips about how to hold difficult family talks.
Remember, everybody has an opinion, and though that opinion may not agree with yours, it often comes from a place of love and makes sense to them.
Consult with an Eldercare Consultant
An eldercare consultant was life changing for our family. We consulted them intermittently for a couple of years before we hit the first crisis where we introduced them to my dad.
The earlier you can consult, the more prepared you can be for a variety of scenarios.
Although you could consult them during a crisis, I find it’s better to meet with them, explain the situation, discuss what you want to accomplish, and then they can make suggestions about how to prepare.
They deal with this on a daily basis, whereas you may be dealing with this for the first or second time. They know the tips, tricks, and how to approach difficult situations. My dad was one of those difficult situations.
It may seem expensive and you may feel you can do it alone, but ask yourself, “what’s the opportunity cost?”
If things don’t go well during a crisis, think about the following:
- How much time away from work will you need to take?
- What will the time away dealing with the crisis mean for your relationships?
- How much money may you need to spend later cleaning up for an unprepared crisis?
Eldercare consultants can also be helpful with family dynamics. They can be the independent, third-party person in the room helping lead a conversation. If your family conversation doesn’t go well or if you think they could help facilitate, consider hiring them for future conversations.
If you are in a crisis situation and not sure what to do next, an eldercare consultant can help line up next steps and take tasks off your plate.
Focus on One or Two Tasks in a Crisis to Help Your Parents
When a crisis occurs, you may have a long list of tasks you want to complete with your parent.
Stop. Wait a moment.
Focus on one or two tasks.
It’s unlikely you will get everything done. You may not even complete the things that are most important to you. You may need to see what your parent is willing to do and complete that thing.
That’s why it’s important to have the family conversation, talk with an eldercare consultant, and make a list, but be willing to pivot to something else.
We always focused on getting one or two things done with each crisis.
For example, when my dad lost his phone, we got a new phone plan and number for my dad. It took time, a handwritten note, and a bit of luck to get into his prior plan, and we didn’t want him to have control over it, so we put it in our name.
We also used that opportunity to change his number. Although we could have kept it, he had substance use issues, and we didn’t want him to have the number of the person who supplied him with drugs.
We would have preferred getting other things done when my dad was hospitalized, but when the opportunity presented itself, we took it.
If your loved one still has investment accounts in multiple locations, you could say something simple like, “You received mail from this investment institution. What do you think about moving it to this company? It would be less mail and easier for us to track, so more money doesn’t end up going to taxes or the state.”
The odds of that happening may be low, but small fibs that help move the needle and make life easier are not bad. The key is to figure out the pain points of your parents and focus on them. In my experience, most people don’t want more money disappearing to the government!
Frame It As Helping Them (Or You)
Depending on the person and what’s going on, I normally suggest telling your parents why taking action on your task list will either help them or help you.
I’ve seen some people who really wanted their wishes honored, in which case, framing it as helping honor their wishes may get more buy-in.
I’ve seen other people who did not want to be a burden on their children or others, in which case, framing it as helping you may make them more willing to go along with your plans.
My dad had a few wishes he wanted honored, but for the most part, he claimed he didn’t want to be a burden.
That meant when things went wrong, I often tried to frame it in how it would help me.
Below are a few examples:
- Is it okay if I take your drill? I could use it to hang a few things in my house.
- Would it be okay if we gave your car away? It would really help this person. We have spare time now, but will be busier later this year.
- Could I move your money to this account? It’s easier for me to track and keep an eye on fraud.
- How would you feel if the eldercare consultant or aide took you to the grocery store? I’m really busy with work and would rather spend time talking with you at home or taking you out to eat.
- What if I took this paper bill and paid it for you? At the same time, I could set it up on autopay. This way we don’t have to worry about it in the future.
Each of these was a small step to getting something out of the house or simplifying my dad’s life to make it easier on me, which in turn could make things better for him.
If your parent is focused on their wishes being honored, below are a few examples:
- I know it’s uncomfortable to talk about, but I want to make sure I do everything you would want near the end of life. Describe what sort of things you would want done and in which circumstances.
- What’s the most memorable funeral you’ve been to? What made it memorable? What sort of services would you want?
- As you get older, what’s important for me to know? There may come a time where your body doesn’t allow you to make all the decisions you want, and I want to make sure that if that time comes, I can fulfill your wishes.
- Where we live is really important. I know how much you love it here. If you weren’t able to care for yourself, what sort of living situation do you envision?
- Are there any personal possessions that carry a lot of sentimental value? Can you tell me more about them?
Each of these is a small step to honoring your parents wishes and framing it in a way that helps give you a roadmap to accomplishing it.
Ask Questions During the Boring Times
As your parents get older, you are going to have more boring times.
There will be long periods of silence. You’ll wonder how to fill them.
I know I did when my dad was receiving immunotherapy treatment, was hospitalized multiple times, and when he was sitting at home with his world shrinking.
Although you won’t always be able to ask questions because it depends on your parents’ mood, try sprinkling in a question or two in those uncomfortable periods of silence.
For example, “I think I might want my ashes spread in XYZ location. Where do you think you’d want yours spread and why?” Or, “How would you like friends and family to celebrate your life?”
I found my dad was often in a contemplative state while hospitalized. He couldn’t always put into words what he was feeling, but it was the best opportunity I had in my entire life to try to pull those words out of him.
If your questions don’t work, it’s okay. It may not be the right time. You may need to start with a smaller question and work into bigger ones.
For instance, you might say something like, “It’s scary being in the hospital. There are sounds and people coming and going. Which person have you enjoyed interacting with most? Tell me about them.”
Once you get into that conversation, you may be able to ask, “How do you want to be remembered?” or “How do you think people see you?”
Although those questions don’t directly provide answers, they may help write an obituary, give you a sense for what they want done at the end of life, or lead to other answers. Sometimes you don’t get direct answers to pointed questions.
Sometimes you get a canoe on a windy river that bumps the sides as you go down.
Good questions and curiosity can unlock magical conversations.
List of Tasks You May Want to Accomplish
Another good idea during a crisis is to make a future list of what you or your parents want to accomplish.
Like I mentioned earlier, I’d focus on completing one or two tasks, but your parents may start listing other things they want to do or may be open to later.
When they do, write them down.
Or, if you think of ideas, you could start to discuss them and get a temperature reading with how your parents feel about it.
For example, if you want to start decluttering the house, you might say something along the lines of, “I was looking around the house and found a few things I could really use. Would it be okay if I took them in the future?”
From there, you might be able to say, “How about we go through the living room together and pick out a few things to give to the family?”
I once knew a family where if the grandparents offered something to you, you had to take it. It didn’t matter if you didn’t want it. The rule was you had to take it, so it was one less thing to clean out later. You could donate it to a charity, give it to a friend, or throw it away if it was in bad condition, but you couldn’t refuse.
There is a good chance that there is a list of tasks your parents are thinking about doing. You can use a crisis to see what they are thinking of, write them down, and then use a future crisis or slow day to bring it up again.
Accept It Won’t Always Happen
I wish I could tell you every crisis will lead to a gigantic change, or at the very least, a small change, but it probably won’t.
There will likely be many crises where nothing happens. You may even feel like you take a few steps back.
One of the hardest things I repeatedly had to hear was “You need to let him fail.”
It never got easier.
I hope you don’t get to that point, but if you do, recognize that when your parents fail, it’s your opportunity to help make a change. They may reverse it later, but it may also stick. You need to be prepared for both outcomes.
The best thing you can do is accept that a crisis won’t always lead to change, but you can try your best when the opportunities come.
Final Thoughts – My Question for You
Nobody wants to see their parents having a crisis. It’s an awful situation, but it often is an opportunity to create change if you have been unable to help during quieter times.
Take the time to have a family conversation and consult an eldercare consultant. They may think of strategies and ideas you don’t have experience with or be a good third person to keep the peace.
Although you may want to do everything during a crisis, try to focus on one or two tasks and frame it as helping themselves or you.
A crisis usually has “boring” time. Use it to ask questions and figure out what is important to your parents. You can even start to create future tasks with them that you can tackle together.
Lastly, if this crisis doesn’t lead to a change, you are not alone. Sometimes you do your best and your parents resist. It’s okay to accept that outcome, save your energy, and help when they are ready.
I’ll leave you with one question to act on.
What will you try to accomplish during the next crisis with your parents?